November 8th 2006.

Really settling into the mundane life now and fitting into the “I live here for the time being” thing. The problem is that I am getting too used to it. So much so that moving on is not at the forefront of my mind. I decided a while ago that I would “live” in Auckland for a while to get over the inconsistency of moving around a lot. Well I have certainly been doing that but that has lead to the problem that I have become lazier. I like the novelty of living in my tiny little flat and not having to feel obliged to go out so that the housekeepers can come in and clean the room. I have even bought a bit of stuff for the place, only crap things like a dish for pasta bake and bed sheets but I feel as though I am staying for a while. What I will do when I leave…I guess I will have to leave them behind for the unlucky person that follows me. I even blagged some coat hangers from a shop as there were none here.

The flat is still for sale and I am pleased to announce that the estate agents are phoning me in advance to let me know when I will have viewers. It seems a bit odd that I am having people round to view the flat when I am quite happy here. It might not be perfect but I might have to start sabotaging the place when people come for a look. Try and put them off. Leave things in the toilet and bad smells everywhere. But I could do things that don’t naturally occur too. I had a phone call while I was in one day last week and it was the estate agent asking if she could show around a Chinese family. I wasn’t sure what to expect as this is a tiny one bedroomed place. Not even a one bedroomed place to be fair as it is a studio flat, so more of a one roomed place, with a bathroom stuck on as an afterthought. So I was a little shocked when 6 people walked in. Three middle aged Chinese people (although according to Karl Pilkington there are no such beings as they only come in young and old) an old couple (still Chinese, although I don’t think it is something you grow out of) and the estate agent. The older couple didn’t speak English but the lady said toilet to me and pointed to the bathroom. I said “yes, just in there” and she wandered in and shut the door. The noises that followed made it blatantly clear that she was not merely enquiring to the use of the room! The estate agent looked horrified, the others vaguely amused. She flushed and emerged looking a tough more relieved than upon her entry. The estate agent kept mouthing “I am so sorry!” Only to me could this happen!

I went to the Classic Comedy Club on Queen Street on Wednesday and saw some pro comedians, along with some “New Faces”. The MC for the evening was Dai Henshaw who does some stuff on TV over here. He summed it up when he said “Tonight you will see some great comics and some crap ones as well!” He was right but I know how hard it is to battle the nerves and do a stand up comedy set! Afterwards I asked the fellah that runs it how one should go about trying to secure a slot, just out of interest. He asked my name and booked me in the diary for Monday! I tried to argue but he said you just do it and see how it goes. Oh my god….I have nothing prepared or written any new stuff for years! I might just not turn up, I thought. Anyone who saw my nerves at the previous attempts will tell you that I am one of life’s worriers!

Well I set my mind on it…looked back to see what I could pinch from older stuff and set about trying to piece together an act that could last for about 8 minutes. Not very long when you think about it, but an eternity when you have to write, memorise and battle nerves on stage. I got around to salvaging some stuff and adapting other bits, along with scribbling new and more New Zealand bits down. I even nicked a few of my musings from this blog, dear readers, so you are part of the revolution!

As Monday approached I decided that the best thing to do for the night before preparations was to go out and drink lots of lager and tequila. I did that so things were looking up. I even tried a few of my lines on unsuspecting drunks and bouncers, all of which didn’t get me kicked in, so I must have been doing something right. Monday arrived in tsunami of splitting headaches and squirty visits to the toilet (I put that down to the beers and not nerves. It helped but I know that I had the same problem with liquid nerves last time). I even recorded my set onto my Ipod so that I could try and learn it all while being asleep! Subliminal comedy! Now that is 21st century! I got to the Classic a few minutes later than the 8 o’clock start time and the guy I had been booked with was happy that I was there. He had convinced himself that I would bottle it, how prophetic he nearly was. I did nearly stay at home and just look at all of the flights out of dodge! But I was there. As I was a little late I didn’t get the tour of the green room or the venue but as I had been before I wasn’t too worried. I was told that there were green and red lights at the back for the acts to watch for a sign that they should get off stage! As there were two comedians missing from the ten act line up, we all could take our time if it was going well. I never did find where those lights were.

While I in the green room I met the other acts, some of whom I have seen before. Jamie Bowen is very good and there was a young lad as well who wasn’t bad, but I can’t remember his name. There was a timid looking, English Rose from Dorset who was doing her debut that night. She didn’t really look nervous at all but did ask if I minded if she talked while we waited. I said “No worries, you don’t mind if I ignore you and listen to my Ipod?” She didn’t. It turned out that she was on before me. Diane, I think her name was. The time and acts went by as I waited for my turn, occasionally thinking about bolting from the venue. It really is that daunting and scary. Diane went down a storm and although I was upstairs in the green room, I could hear her bellowing! I must try and see her act and see what all the shouting was about, but the audience were laughing so the timid girl done good!

I knew my act off by heart and rehearsed it many times. But when Jamie introduced me, I plodded down he steps and made my way to the stage repeating my first lines. “Ok, let’s get this out of the way, yes I am a Pom and that means……” As long as these were the first words that I said, then the rest should come flowing along. “Hello, I am Dan, everyone ok?” Damn you Siron!!! All you had to do to ensure that everything was as smooth as possible, was to say your first lines and you didn’t! Oh well. I did take on a small prompt sheet that I referred to on a couple of occasions but I think this was acceptable. I got some big laughs and the other comedians said that they thought I had done well! They also commented on how much I had sweated, but that, I knew, was going to happen. It is like someone turns on a tap over my head! I must write some jokes about it for my next “gig” as the audience can see it pouring off me! I don’t mind. Makes me laugh really! My “Legover, Building Blocks For Adults!” T shirt was soaked through (See www.kingcnut.com). So, it went well and I was asked back to have another go in a week or so. I wonder if I will be as nervous next time?

Ok….That’s it for this update. I know it isn’t as funny, but I am all funnied out! By the way, Scott has left the UK and is in the USA. Email if you can. I am sure he will appreciate the attention. It is nice when you get E mails from home when you are miles away. Not that I am getting many from Green Watch. Out sight eh? Perhaps they didn’t like me after all. Don’t be silly….They loved me!


Bowel Check = Gluttonous.