21st March 2007


First of all thanks for all of the happy birthday messages. Well you all really pushed the boat out there didn't you? Cheers Debs for the late call too!


Right.....action packed couple of weeks so I will attempt to recall the salient points for you all.

I didn't go to the dentist on my birthday as I was far too self absorbed to bother with health and all that rubbish. I went the day after and found out that I needed a root canal treatment on a molar! Damn.....the pain was worsened when I found out it would cost $1000...that's about £350! Better scrutinise the travel insurance as it is technically an emergency treatment. I went to Ponsonby to see a dentist, who turned out to be German. Well at least I can rest assured that he will be diligent in his actions and workmanship. His assistant was a Dutch woman so I have a truly international mouth now. The only thing that did concern me was that while he was scraping, drilling and digging out the rotten bits, he barely looked in my cake hole. He was chatting to his assistant. This did worry at first but it made the procedure worthwhile when I heard him start chatting about another practice that he works in. Apparantly the other place is tiny and the people in the waiting room can see and hear everything that hapens in the chair of oral doom. He was very concerned about patient confidentiality and was thinking of an example where this might be compromised.

"What if I was a gynaecologist?", he asked.

Through a mouth full of his fingers and scraping things I managed to say..

"If you are a gynaecologist, GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF MY MOUTH!"

He laughed so I can report that Germans DO have a sense of humour. Mind you, the last time a German invaded something as large as my mouth, we all know what happened. And I don't think Poland had the handicap of a drill and Aryan digits to muffle their protests.

So, with recovery in mind I had a chilled out week of getting used to my new home in Herne Bay. This culminated in going to see the opening ceremony of AK07, the Auckland Festival. There were over 60,000 people in the Auckland Domain by the time I got there, late of course. At least I had the beer with me so others were dying of thirst in anticipation of my arrival! Ha ha ha ha! Helen Clark, the New Zealand Prime Minister produced an amazing piece of David Brent esque awkward showmanship when she shouted over the microphone, "Auckland is rocking tonight!". Unbelievable that no one asked her what to say beforehand but the sniggers and titters were deafening! But fair play to her, at least she is getting involved and her heart was in the right place. Bless her!

There were some fab bands on, even though I got there late, but the highlight of the evening were the fireworks by a French company called Groupe F.

http://www.aucklandfestival.co.nz/Events/OpeningEvent/Detail.aspx?id=241

They were fantastic and lit up the entire sky and very nearly 30,000 of the gathered throng with falling embers. But with such a fab show, a few blind children is a small amount to pay for pyrotechnic wonder. I might try and fire a few pics on here to illustrate ut I may just forget. And besides, with the remnants of a Roman Candle lodged in my left eye, finding things is not as easy as you might think. So with a belly full of beer and second degree burns to my face, I went to bed and slept to prepare myself for another trip to the South Island on Sunday. If I manage to post some pictures from the South, please do not look too closely at the blister on my lip. I would love to tell you that it is a burn from the talented gallic Guy Fawkes but I fear that it was a badly timed cold sore. Tell me....what is the point of them?

So, I zoomed to the South to spend a week with Sarah (see earlier posts "look who it is!"). She had spent a week in the South, mooching around with Tasha (See Carns posts) but was alone for the final week of her stay. After some very bad news she was not looking forward to a week alone in a strange country, so I did the only decent thing and stepped into the breach! I know that you expect no less from a gentlemanly hero like me and I hate to disappoint (although I regularly do!). Having spent Sunday night in Christchurch we went to Sumner and I got terribly burnt on the beach there. I did have a photo taken showing the extent of the damage but as I am in underpants, I don't think anyone needs to see that monstrocity. When talking to my Mum about getting burnt, and explaining that it wasn't particularly sunny that day, my little Mum educated me on the cunning methods of ultra violent rays. You see, the mistake you and I make is that we assume that it is the sun that burns pale skin like mine. Not so. According to my Mum it is the wind that does the damage. I tried to clarify this by suggestign that what she meant was that the wind cools you so that you don't feel the heat and the burn, but no! Apparantly it IS the wind taht actually burns you. And my Mum is always correct so who am I to argue. I bet the American authorities are stunned by the cost of aftersun in the wake of Hurricane Katrina in New Orleans!

I am not going to go over the details of the South trip too much as you will be familiar with my last trip and we went to, more or less, the same places. We did however go to Wanaka. A little like a calmer and quieter Queenstown, Wanaka is beautiful and I would definately say to visit for a night of relaxation either to or from Queenstown. Should you find your way there then you absolutely have to go to the Cinema Paradiso.

http://www.paradiso.net.nz/about_the_cinema.html

It is superb! The room is small and the screen is about 20ft by 10ft, or something like that, but it is the inside of the auditorium that makes it a must see. you wander in and settle down in a sofa, armchair or even a Morris Minor, WITH A BEER IN YOUR HAND and watch films while feeling like you are in your own living room. Then, halfway through, the film suddenly stops and the lights come on, giving you the opportunity to go into the foyer for refill of beer and freshly baked, still warm cookie! Absolutely stunning! I seem to remember that intervals were the norm when I went to the flicks with my Dad in Castleford, but this could be rose coloured nostalgia specs I am wearing. And I fell asleep during Star Wars too. Nothing changes as I caught 40 winks during The Prestige in Wanaka. Good film but the atmosphere was the main attraction. Oh, and King Kong is peering menacingly over the top of the cinema! Brilliant.

While in Wanaka we also went to Stuart Landsboroughs Puzzling World. He is a sceptic of psychic and other sorts of nonsense and set up this theme park with illusions everywhere. It is great for children like me. There is a really frustrating maze and rooms that are set on an angle to make everything just seem really odd. Water appears to flow uphill etc. I loved that although I did feel a bit sick until I got used to it.

As I said, I won't go over board about the trip and bore you all with reproductions of my previous but Queenstown was great again and I kicked Sarah's ass on the luge. I am King Of The Luge. King Of The Hill in fact.

I couldn't get Sarah to do a bungy jump but she did get me to a rugby game in Christchurch. The Crusaders v The Bulls from South Africa. As we entered Jade Stadium we were confronted by "Crusaders" galloping around the pitch on horseback! There were flames and even a small castle in the corner of the ground. The Crusaders won handsomely and I loved it. Not a patch on Goodison in full voice, but with fewer excited Scousers shouting, my neck stayed dryer.

So to Monday and it was really sad to see Sarah go off to Sydney on the next part of her trip around the World. I had a great week and seeing a familiar face was brilliant. When she gets back to England, look after her, as she is fab. And Sarah, I know you read this so you better put a few Rockbusters on the site(see below). It was great to have such a lovely part of England fly out here and visit. Keep reading this nonsense and I will speak with you on MSN soon. I am too tight to pay for a phone call. I hope you find what you are looking for when you get back and I will keep you informed if about what I find out here! All change with the Yorkshire folk!

So as not to write too much I will leave it there. Loads missed out but I think you had to be there. Although while driving around for so many kilometres we decided to play Karl Pilkingtons "Rockbusters". It has nothing to with Blockbusters. You have to decipher a "cryptic" clue to guess the name of the band or artist but it is very lateral and usually makes very little sense. I think we should do it here....all interactive like. So to replace the much missed Bowel Check, we will have Rockbusters. I will start you off and you can leave your answers in the comments, along with your own attempts at clues. A few to get you started. And no cheating by looking at the answers that I know you can find in cyber land. See link below and if you can do the gold run I will be impressed.

http://www.xfm.co.uk/Article.asp?id=97369

A K. Exploding pet.
Atomic Kitten. Easy eh? They get much more tricky.


A M. That champagne belonged to the boxer’s kid.
Alison Moyet. Ali's son Moet. See what he did there?


And one for you to have a crack at, courtesy of Sarah.


R O. Mr Rogers whizzes around the celestial body.

That's all for now but I imagine loads will come to me and I will have to backdate update.


P.S.

I have decided to write a book. I am doing the third in the Bridget Jones stories. After becoming disillusioned with men as they always let her down, our heroine decides to move on to satisfying her sexual needs in a farm yard. Look forward to the release of Bridget Bones Dairy. Sorry Mum.