31st December 2006.

I grabbed a train from Newark to Penn Station on 34th street, just outside Madison Square Gardens. I had already spoken to Scott and found out that he was staying with Lyndsey in the Pennsylvania Hotel, which is just outside. Perfect hotel placement for a lazy man! While checking in I was accosted in the lobby by Scott and Lyndsey. After very macho handshakes so neither of us lost the masculine appearance, I let go of Lyndsey’s hand and gave Scott a big hug. I explained that I was a little tired and sleepy after the early flight from Belfast and that I needed a little nappage, Scott and Lyndsey (hereafter SnL) decided that I didn’t need to sleep and MADE me go for lunch. This was to be the way of things for the next three days. The pair of them never stop eating. Great big fat Yanks were staring in awe at the consumption levels of this pair. Having finished lunch I made it clear that I was going to need a nap and we went straight to Times Square. Get the feeling that I am not the big decision maker in this trio?

Even though it was only 2pm on New Years Eve, the crowds were totally mental. It took about half an hour to walk one block! The problems were two-fold. Firstly, the amount of people was astonishing, especially as it was still a good number of hours until the big event. Secondly, the number of incredibly stupid Japanese tourists who were videoing themselves being crushed in the crowds only served to hold everyone up even more. Why would you want to record yourself struggling for breath while having a strangers hand accidentally inserted where strangers hands don’t belong? I suppose there are downsides too. Having seen the rush and crush, we realised the getting into Times Square was going to be a serious problem. The tickets were all sold out too but Scott had heard that Planet Hollywood still had tickets left for the party there. Although it is on Times Square, from the party place you wouldn’t see the ball drop live but we decided that it was as close as we would get. The price of these nearly tickets? $250!!!!! But there was a “free” bar and buffet. How free can it be? And to think we had just eaten lunch! I should have starved myself to the point of death so that I could have made the best effort to get my money’s worth from the night. I suppose I may never be in a position to be in Times Square (well very near it) so the cost was seen as collateral damage and we stumped up the price for three tickets. Back to the hotel for that holy grail of sleep.

We set off towards Planet Hollywood in plenty of time to encounter the crushing hoards. Well it would have been if we hadn’t “oiled the wheels” to set the night off along the right tracks. So it looked like we were missing out on “value for money” time so we tried to get a cab. This proved tricky as the cabs couldn’t get near to Planet Hollywood or any of Times Square. The solution? Grab the nearest skinny legged pedalcab and listen as the poor bastard struggled for 10 blocks and three avenues with 30 stones of Dan/Scott and 7 stones of Lyndsey. Well more like 14 stones if you consider the coat, scarf, gloves, handbag etc. I was feeling genuinely sorry for him until he caught his breath and charged us $40 for the privilege of watching the sights of New York revellers stare at three people in a tiny pedalcab, explicitly trying to avoid looking as though they were looking the cyclist/drivers arse bobbed up and down. We weren’t (well I can only vouch for myself) but there was suspicion in the public eyes.

Once inside Planet Hollywood, I was in the minority in that the whole room was made up of couples. It was nicely full but not over sold. When we bought the tickets, we were told that although there was a 1200 person capacity, only 700 tickets were to be sold. There may have been more than 700 in the place but it was just right. To be fair, the buffet was pretty good and the drinks were all paid for. Time for us to show the Americans how the English can drink their own weight in alcohol. Lyndsey achieved epic proportions of red wine while Scott and I motored through many, many lagers with the odd Jack Daniels thrown in for good measure. By the time Lyndsey had graduated to half pint glasses of Baileys it was beginning to show. She devised a dance that consisted of slowly bending forward with her face all scrunched up and then slowly leaning backwards like a flower opening to the midday sun. Her face also blossomed in the same motion before returning to all scrunched up as she bent forwards again! Ask Scott about it. Just after the ball dropped in Times Square (which we watched on TV screens even though it was less than a hundred yards away), we were live on Fox TV with some celebrity woman presenting. I have no idea who she was but Scott knew her from one of the gossip magazines that he reads. All in all, Scott ate our value for the tickets and Lyndsey drank us into the black! New Years Eve was good fun and the ticker tape was everywhere but I don’t know that I will break my back to get to New York for another.

New Years Day saw us feeling a little tired but not too bad, all things considered. I think that Scott was shouting for Hugh down the big white telephone at some point but I think we coped well. We didn’t drink that day though so perhaps we were worse than I thought. We went to see Rocky Balboa instead! Now HE looked worse than any of us and that was before he even stepped in the ring. I know that Sly Stallone has since visited Goodison Park so I should be nice about him, but Jesus Christ, WHY OH WHY is he trying to look like his Mum? The film is a bit crappy but it is worth watching just to marvel at the awful surgery on Sly’s eyebrows. They were more befitting a page 3 model than an iconic hero of the ring. Oh well.

The next days were more or less just relaxing. Wandering here and there and taking it easy. SnL went on a romantic horse drawn carriage ride around Central Park, shopping all the usual things. Except that when we were in Niketown Scott noticed Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud trying on trainers. I had my camera on me and despite her embarrassment I persuaded her to have a photo with me. I felt a bit sorry for her as she didn’t want a fuss but I know that I need pictorial evidence for you, my blogging readers! She could tried a bit harder to smile though! So the rest of the time was spent drinking and mooching around. I did ask SnL if they would prefer to be chased by an elephant or by a rhino and Scott decided on an elephant as they were less mobile and couldn’t turn quickly. A good answer. But Lyndsey warned him that next time the elephant saw he would be toast! Loved that! Lyndsey left on the 3rd so Scott and I slipped back into the familiar pattern of lazy drinks and roaming around. We did have a trip down to a laundrette though as Scott hadn’t done any washing for 3-4 weeks! I don’t think I can stomach talking about that right now. Hmmm.

We knew that we would have to be on the West coast to get ready for our flights to New Zealand so we booked to go through San Jose and San Fran on our way to LA. With that sorted, we popped out on our last night for a steak to say goodbye to the Big Apple. “Take it east and have a relatively cheap night” we had decided. Somehow we managed to not have an easy night despite our plans. After a dodgy steak we went to a bar for a beer or two after our meals. The bar was at best half full so we were happy to sit at the bar and drink our “few” beers. We tried to pay for the beers we had but were told that we would get our tab at the end. We were both suspicious about this. We became even more suspicious when the barmaid and waitress began flirting with us outrageously. The barmaid was pouring shots of various drinks for us and every time we tried to get the check we found new beers presented to us instead. Very worried by the size of the bill after we had both drunk at least 8 pints and three shots, we were terrified when the bill came. Especially when we made it clear to the barmaid and waitress that we were just two blokes having beers and were not trying to chat them up. The bill came. The whole bar seemed to stop as we looked. We were right to be worried. $10 for up to and possibly over 20 pints and 6 shots seems a bit step to me too! The barmaid just winked and said happy New Year! Top night!

I won’t go into San Jose too much as there wasn’t much to say about it. It is the 11th largest city in the US but when we went to the town it was completely dead. I don’t just mean quiet, I mean there were 0 people on the streets! Even on the Thursday night, when Justin Timberlake was in town for a performance of his inane dribble, the town was surprisingly quiet. I would rather he brought red bull back rather than sexy to perk the town up.

We got the train from San Jose to San Fran for just $13 between us! I wish we had done more train travel if that is how cheap it is! And it was a double deck train! How exciting? While at the station I asked Scott to stand near the San Jose sign for a photo. He said that he didn’t want to “look like a tourist”. This despite our combined 8 bags of luggage at his feet! The train ride also allowed us to hear the conductor’s comedy tannoy message. “For those passengers that think it is ok to hold the doors open at a station for latecomers……shame on you!”

I am beginning to think that either, Scott and I go to the wrong bits of these cities or they are surprisingly unremarkable. Maybe it is that we are difficult to impress! San Fran was ok. The hotel wasn’t too bad but it was on a bit of Market Street that is next to a big homeless and crazies filled area. On the whole it was a bit scruffy. Union Square was nice but the rest of San Fran was just like any other city. Except scruffier. Holy Cow bar was good though!

While in San Fran we did go to Alcatraz as that was the only thing apart from the Golden Gate Bridge that we wanted to see. Now Alcatraz was a great tour. Once we got through the picket lines protesting about the contract for the ONLY trips to Alcatraz being given to one particular company. Now, I am all for the unions and I am sure that they had a justified reason to be picketing, but, we were in San Fran for a couple of days and the Alcatraz tour was the only thing that we wanted to do. I feel a little embarrassed but we went on the tour despite the pickets. We also got some great views of the Golden Gate Bridge. 2 for 1! Just how I like it!

Alcatraz was definitely worth the trip though. It is surprising just how small it is but the cells are exactly as you see in the films. Obviously we made the required claims that WE could have escaped and how we would have done it. Scott decided that he would have given me half of his rations to fatten me up and then used a spoon to scoop me into a canoe shape to avoid all of the swimming. I must remember to regularly stab myself with a fork if we go near water for the rest of the trip. The last thing about San Fran was the taxi to the airport to fly back to Vegas (couldn’t resist one last visit!). The driver opened the conversation in the following manner.

“Hi guys. Where are you from?”
“England”
“Ah! A lot of animal mutilations in England!”

He then went on for ages about how aliens and UFO’s are swooping down and sucking all of the blood from the Worlds animals without being seen. Looks like they took the spines from the England cricket team while they were about it. I didn’t tell him about the true cause for sheep mutilations in Wales. Or New Zealand for that matter.

Vegas was Vegas, great, tacky, fun. Heard that when playing blackjack, a 17 when the dealer is showing a ten is called a mother-in-law hand. We asked why and the dealer told us that, ”you really wanna hit it, but you know you can’t!” WE went to MGM and Scott played his first game of “live”,in fact ANY poker. He did well but neither of us will be going for the World Series just yet.

Then back to LA for a few days before our flights to New Zealand. I wasn’t keen on returning to LA but I had to for the flights. La had its highlights and lowlights but that is another matter. La Fiesta in Venice Beach are by far the best burrito’s in the whole World. Scott has also been making me go to the gym and I have been to the one where Arnold Schwartzenegger trained. I think I saw Chris Cornell from Soundgarden in there too but it might not have been him. We also saw Amanda De Cadinet in the coffee shop near us. The freaks of Venice Beach are worth seeing too! A greased up man wearing only a thong, a Rasta on two wheeled roller skates playing electric guitar (very well), and a man in a trilby hat who just kept following people. There were also some freaky psychics sat at the side of the boardwalk. One was busy grooming a tiny Chihuahua and another fellah who was really fat. I wonder if he has seen his own death from obesity coming?

I did sit down for a reading as it something I have always wondered about. The Psychic told me that I will never be happy, never have children and will be going to Hell after my early death, all of the time laughing! I punched her in the face. When she asked me why I told her…..” I have always tried to strike a happy medium”!

The last thing is a message to Scott’s Mum. You need to get some therapy organised for when he gets back home. Every time he sees open water he rants and raves about sharks! Every helicopter is on Shark Watch! I think that is why he wanted to scoop me into a human canoe upon scaling the walls of Alcatraz. We even talked about how we would fight off a shark attack and eventually decided to ignore the well known methods of punching it on its nose or poking it in the eye. Our tactic is based upon a greater biological knowledge. We know that sharks have to keep having water passing over their gills to breathe. So we grab them and hold down their gills, and the kick hard at the rear of the beast, until your big toe pops up his bottom, causing him to take a rapid inhalation of water and therefore drowning. For smaller sharks, Scott advises a punch to the mid-section causing severe winding.

I am tired right now and I know this might have been boring for you all. Tough.

On to New Zealand Part 2! I am looking forward to going back even though I am not sure how it will turn out. Perhaps I shouldn’t have left last time. Sometimes you don’t know what you had until it has passed you by! I should grab my oporunities from now on!